Sunday, December 19, 2010


Don't worry, I am alive. I know I went 4 days without posting, I am sorry. Do you forgive me? I hope so. I have kind of been in a weird place, the past few days. I am going to enter the honesty zone here and tell you lovelies the truth. You know the angel and devil that sit on your shoulders? Well the devil has been awfully convincing the past few days. I don't even know how to explain the mood I have been in lately. I guess the best way to put it is, I have been questioning myself lately. 98 percent of the time I know what I am doing with my life, but there's always that 2 percent sneaking up on me and asking me if I really know, or if it's all in my head. Needless to say today I was an emotional mess, it was one of those screw-you-diet-eat-a-tub-of-ice-cream-and-watch-movies-in-pajamas days. One of the movies I watched was You, Me, and Dupree. In the end Dupree is talking about your "-ness", you just add ness to the end of your name, and it describes/is who you are. It got me thinking where did my "Jaz-ness" go? And I quickly realized I was letting the devil win. It occurred to me that hope seems to be the cause and solution to my 2 percent. When everything seems to be bursting in flames around me, I hold onto hope so damn tight it's eyes bulge. When I end up standing there in piles of ashes I realize that hope I was holding onto didn't do shit for me. Shit is still in ashes and I am still royally screwed. But what if hope, in some crazy way did help? I had never really looked at it this way before, but what if holing onto that hope so insanely tight is what stopped me from bursting into flames and ending as ash too? Just like that, everything I do, everything I am, made sense again. If you give up hope when you have nothing else, than really you just lost the last thing you had to hold onto, except the difference is you did it deliberately. Yes, I may pull a Homer Simpson some times and strangle hope because I am mad, but in all reality hope is why I am here, hope is what got me through the fire and made it possible for me to save everyone else. It is so crazy how these weird little things that most people don't think twice about some how snap me back into reality. In the end I think that's what life is all about, remembering who you are and staying strong no matter how bad things seem.

Thanks for reading!

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