When my world stops spinning he is there for me.

Joe is my rock. I love him more than he knows. He has saved me so many times. When I was 14 my life was horrible, I was deeply into drugs and alcohol. Super depressed with no where to go he took me in. Everyone told him not to but he didn't care. I know if he didn't, I wouldn't be here typing this right now. He helped me over come my addictions, deal with the anger, rise above the depression. He is my hero. He has been there for me no matter what has happened. I love him so much. There are no words to describe it. When I want to give up, he pushes me to keep going. He lets me cry for no reason and knows to just comfort me. He never lies to me no matter what. He even took my baby sister in like she was his own. I loved watching them together, she loved him so much, he was her "Joe Friend".
(This is the only picture I have of them...sorry about the dogs, they really like each other)


I am the luckiest girl in the world. Almost 5 years now and we are still deeply in love, and that will never change. I laugh in the faces of people who didn't and still don't think we will last. There is no doubt in my mind that we will be together forever, even after death do us part. And just so this is documented, when I die I want to be cremated and turned into diamonds for any kids we have and Joe (yes it is possible, google it).









Thanks for reading!

My family is going to die from over eating! (insert evil laugh here)

So my wonderful readers, I have a secret to share with you. No, I am not pregnant so just push that thought out of your head. I am a addict...I am addicted to making food. I know right now you are thinking "So what? Tons of people are." But my addiction goes a little farther than just making food, I seriously dream about recipes. I wake up randomly in the night to jot down a recipe I made in my dream. Oh, and it gets worse. Most the stuff I make, I won't eat, not because its bad, but because I am picky and have a health diet due to a condition I have. At first I thought I just really liked food, but then I realized I don't think I do, I just love making it. Any reason to make food I will take it and run with it. As some of you know my birthday is coming up on the 27th, people were asking me what I want, the answer...gift cards/money to support my food making addiction or cookbooks. Hey at least its not a drug addiction. So once my hubby gets paid I will be making my family an amazing meal that will make them do the number where you keep eating until you feel the need to vomit from too much food. My fabulous friend Merissa (click her name to check out her awesome blog)turned me one to a website that I am purely in love with, tons of awesome recipes! So the recipes I am making are: Chocolate Chip Sweet Rolls for breakfast, Roasted Potato Wedges and Mozzarella Sticks as appetizers, Bread, Restaurant Style Potatoes, Asparagus, Homemade Macaroni & Cheese for the sides, Bacon Wrapped Meatloaf for the main dish, and Molten Chocolate Lava Cakes for dessert. Hungry yet? Plus I am going to make my birthday dessert when the time comes. So needless to say my family will be fat and full by the time I get my food making fix. I will have pictures soon enough, don't panic. I will leave you to drool now.

Wouldn't it be nice?

I want to tell you all of this reoccurring dream I have.
I wake up and it is a flawless day all around the world, not too hot, not too cold. I throw on my my sequin body suit, my favorite jeans, and my much loved zebra ballet flats. I grab my family (even the non human ones) and my favorite mix CD. I pull my car out into the middle of the street and play my favorite songs (I will add them to the play list if they're not already on there). I just start dancing, because life is that great. One by one people start coming out of their homes and dance with me. We don't care about race, religion, what group someone belongs to, we are all just enjoying ourselves and each other with one common interest life. Slowly the street dancing spreads through out the state, country, and the world. Just one place where everyone is happy, we all dance as one. No war, hate, discrimination, just love and happiness. Some of us are awesome dancers, some of us are just straight up hilarious, but it doesn't matter we all enjoy each other's dancing. The few that are shy, I approach them and get them moving. The day ends with amazing food that is like a world wide pot luck, smiles, laughter, love, happiness, what life should be like.

This is the dream, that reminds me why I work so hard to become a better person. This is what fuels my soul, happiness, hope, and effort. I know there is only the slightest chance that this will ever happen, but hey a girl can dream right? Life is my playground. Life is your playground. Life is every one's play ground. Why waste it with hating others, being disrespectful, just negativity in general. Life is one big party and you bet your ass I am going to party hard and celebrate it!

I triple dog dare you!

A very simple, yet very meaningful quote my uncle once said to me is....
“How do you know?”

Right now you're thinking “What the hell? Why is that so meaningful?”
Well it starts out like this, I found out I was moving from St. George, Utah where I lived with my uncle back to Salt Lake City with my mom. I remember when my uncle told me I told him “That's stupid and it sucks!” He very calmly asked me “How do you know?” back then I was thinking what you were thinking and very possibly are still thinking....”What the hell?”
Now I sit here with a million things running through my mind like Corona when she's had too much sugar...remind me to never give her whip cream again. I started thinking about how right now I would have been living in a beautiful house with my pets and Joe in Las Vegas. I made some choices that made that plan extinct. I thought today “I am still in this damn state, nothings changed, and I royally messed things up. This sucks!” My uncle's infamous question popped into my head, so I asked myself “How do I know?” I got to thinking about it, how do I know that we wouldn't have moved to Las vegas and been even more royally screwed than we are now? I think about how if we had moved down there I wouldn't have had become friends with the two most amazing friends I could ever ask for, I can't imagine my life without my two best friends Marelin and Nate. I love them, I know they will be in my life forever. So now going back to me, asking myself “How do I know?” Well I guess I don't, I don't even slightly know. I have realized that I love my insane, constantly difficult, catch 22, humorous, family and friend filled life. Yes at times it does drive me crazy that most my friend's have their own house, are married, have kids, have a more than stable financial situation, and more. But what they don't have is the amazing life I have, I get to laugh every day because my family and friends are hilarious even when they aren't trying. I get to awake up in the middle of the night to laugh when Corona got bored and stole our blanket and Joe is confused on how the blanket just went missing, while Corona is doing the cutest dog laugh in the world. I get to laugh when Corona drops her bone in the toilet and makes Joe spend 15 minutes trying to get it out. I get the joy of going to the store and while sitting in the line I decide to grab Corona a sucker, only to later look at my receipt and realize it says I bought “Leslie's ass”. I am happy, some times I may not show it but deep down I am always smiling. There's a lot of people around me (and everyone else in this world) who start drama for their personal enjoyment. When someone says something hurtful to me I no longer feel bad for me, I hurt for them, because to me it is heart wrenching that in order for them to feel happiness they have to hurt others. They are too blind to see that this world we live in is full of happiness and beauty. I hope that one day they can feel the happiness I do, no matter what they did to me. If everyone felt happiness we couldn't be mean.

Every day I sit out on my front porch with Corona, and every day the little neighbor girl Charly, who is around 4 years old, opens her garage, plays the radio nice and loud and demands I watch her dance. After she dances for awhile she comes over and asks if she can pet Shadow, and every day I have to explain that Shadow went to heaven, and this is Ona. Now I just let her believe that Corona is Shadow, maybe when she is a little older she will understand better, but for now if petting “Shadow” is what makes her happy who am I to ruin that? Anyways, everyday when she puts on her little dance show I wonder what happens when we become adults? Why don't we just randomly break out in dance because we are happy, and we really love this song? When we become adults we become up tight-constantly stressing-worrying about something machines. So lets do this old school style......
I triple dog dare you to just dance, no matter the reason, even if you are as cool of a dancer as Joe, or as awesome as my sister-in-law Brandy, just dance. And even "Bleed out rainbows" (Charly's brother Bridger's rule) if you want. I triple dog dare you....so as Charly says “That means you HAVE to!”

Sucking every bit of sunshine from black clouds...

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't posted recently. I found out a few days ago that my grandma is in the hospital. She has been very sick lately and her brain has shrunk quite a bit and she is now under 100 lbs. She has a lot of memory loss and the doctors just found out she has Pneumonia too. It's hard to Say if she is going to make it, and if she does she will have to be in a nursing home for the rest of her life. I am hoping she makes a little longer since her first great grand child is going to be born any day and she was very excited about that. I am still trying to deal with the loss of my uncle (father figure), he passed a little over a year ago. I really can't handle another death any time soon. So here is my best attempt at sucking out any bit of happiness out of this black clouds and lightening situation...

When I was in 3rd grade I lived with my grandparents. My grandparents are very classy, elegant, proper people. I remember they were very strict with me. One day it raining and my grandma never drives in bad weather so she stayed home from work. She came downstairs to my room and said "Sadie, do you want to stay home from school today and have a girls' day?" I got excited and of course said yes. That day was one of the best days. We sat in bed, ate sweets, ordered tons of stuff from QVC, talked about life, played with her dogs, and just had good quality time together. I loved that grandma and I had our own super, special, secret girls' day! She let me play a casino game with her, I even got to choose names for her hundreds of beanie babies, she taught me how to apply make up in a classy "timeless" way that she does. That day I remember her telling me "Dear God, when I die if someone dares bury me in polka dots I will haunt them for the rest of their life!" At the time I was so young I didn't realize how important that sentence would be. There's one thing I know about my grandmother and that is, she dresses very classy and CAN'T stand bad fashion! So today I sat in bed thinking about my grandma and I started to cry as I thought of that wonderful day. I learned so much. I was mostly crying tears of sadness, but every now and then I would laugh or smile as I remember that day and her. Now I sit her wondering if I am going to have to find the perfect burial outfit for my grandma soon, and how on earth am I going to convince everyone that it is what she wanted and she will haunt you if you put her in anything else.
My uncle died from lou gehrigs (sp?) disease. A few months before he passed he came to salt lake to visit me and the rest of our family. We went to a nursing home where he was staying. I couldn't help but realize he was the youngest one there and that he would probably be the first to die too. We sat there and had conversations, all of them avoiding the unfortunate obvious fact that death will occur soon. I sat there trying my hardest not to cry and I wouldn't/couldn't talk about what was going to happen. After about an hour my uncle said he was getting tired and needed to rest, my aunt told him to let me go with him, but he refused because he didn't want me to see him hooked to machines. I so badly wish I could go back and tell him it doesn't matter and that I so badly want to spend as much time as possible with him, but I didn't say that then because I couldn't stand being weak and vulnerable. That was the last time I saw him, and every single day I regret not saying what I was thinking.
Fast forward to now. My grandma is sitting in the hospital possibly going to die and I haven't visited her. I keep coming up with excuses even though we all know the real reason is because I fear emotion and things I don't have control over. I try to talk myself into going but I think what if I cry and can't stop or what if she sees how upset I am and it upsets her. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I seem to be going down the same path.

Thanks for reading, hopefully my next post will be a little more upbeat. I will leave you all with the words that have been running through my head for the past week or so...
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.