Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sucking every bit of sunshine from black clouds...

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't posted recently. I found out a few days ago that my grandma is in the hospital. She has been very sick lately and her brain has shrunk quite a bit and she is now under 100 lbs. She has a lot of memory loss and the doctors just found out she has Pneumonia too. It's hard to Say if she is going to make it, and if she does she will have to be in a nursing home for the rest of her life. I am hoping she makes a little longer since her first great grand child is going to be born any day and she was very excited about that. I am still trying to deal with the loss of my uncle (father figure), he passed a little over a year ago. I really can't handle another death any time soon. So here is my best attempt at sucking out any bit of happiness out of this black clouds and lightening situation...

When I was in 3rd grade I lived with my grandparents. My grandparents are very classy, elegant, proper people. I remember they were very strict with me. One day it raining and my grandma never drives in bad weather so she stayed home from work. She came downstairs to my room and said "Sadie, do you want to stay home from school today and have a girls' day?" I got excited and of course said yes. That day was one of the best days. We sat in bed, ate sweets, ordered tons of stuff from QVC, talked about life, played with her dogs, and just had good quality time together. I loved that grandma and I had our own super, special, secret girls' day! She let me play a casino game with her, I even got to choose names for her hundreds of beanie babies, she taught me how to apply make up in a classy "timeless" way that she does. That day I remember her telling me "Dear God, when I die if someone dares bury me in polka dots I will haunt them for the rest of their life!" At the time I was so young I didn't realize how important that sentence would be. There's one thing I know about my grandmother and that is, she dresses very classy and CAN'T stand bad fashion! So today I sat in bed thinking about my grandma and I started to cry as I thought of that wonderful day. I learned so much. I was mostly crying tears of sadness, but every now and then I would laugh or smile as I remember that day and her. Now I sit her wondering if I am going to have to find the perfect burial outfit for my grandma soon, and how on earth am I going to convince everyone that it is what she wanted and she will haunt you if you put her in anything else.
My uncle died from lou gehrigs (sp?) disease. A few months before he passed he came to salt lake to visit me and the rest of our family. We went to a nursing home where he was staying. I couldn't help but realize he was the youngest one there and that he would probably be the first to die too. We sat there and had conversations, all of them avoiding the unfortunate obvious fact that death will occur soon. I sat there trying my hardest not to cry and I wouldn't/couldn't talk about what was going to happen. After about an hour my uncle said he was getting tired and needed to rest, my aunt told him to let me go with him, but he refused because he didn't want me to see him hooked to machines. I so badly wish I could go back and tell him it doesn't matter and that I so badly want to spend as much time as possible with him, but I didn't say that then because I couldn't stand being weak and vulnerable. That was the last time I saw him, and every single day I regret not saying what I was thinking.
Fast forward to now. My grandma is sitting in the hospital possibly going to die and I haven't visited her. I keep coming up with excuses even though we all know the real reason is because I fear emotion and things I don't have control over. I try to talk myself into going but I think what if I cry and can't stop or what if she sees how upset I am and it upsets her. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I seem to be going down the same path.

Thanks for reading, hopefully my next post will be a little more upbeat. I will leave you all with the words that have been running through my head for the past week or so...
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


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