Monday, April 18, 2011
I sat in the bathroom with mascara running down my face at 1 in the morning, I was begging for a bone to be tossed my way. I was on my knees just begging and praying for help. It's been a long time since I have pleaded to our higher power that hard. I needed an opportunity so I could fix my situation. I didn't want it to be fixed for me, but I needed fixing it to be possible. Sure enough a few days later a friend told me to apply at his job and next thing I know I am going over job terms and signing paperwork. That was my bone, now I have to chew it responsibly and find the best place to bury it. Part of me is so ecstatic that my prayers were answered, but another part of me is overly cautious and worried that I will or have made the wrong choice(s). In the past we have made some bad decisions that have led us to where we are, and I am terrified I will make or allow those same things to repeat themselves. I am so extremely ready to have our own house under our names, have a paid off car (and keep it), have a steady income, and all that so we can finally move on in our lives, start a family and live. I feel like the stage of life I am in right now is one where I make or break my future. I need to set all the pieces in the right places now so I can have a beautiful future. I know what I have done to get myself into the position I am in now, I also know what I need to change to prevent it from happening again. Now I just need to find the strength to do so. I am proud of myself for all that I have learned and all that I have accomplished, but I am also proud of myself for realizing that there is no one else to blame for where I am or where I have been. I am working very hard on being the bigger person in some situations and not reacting to people trying to trigger me to react. Overall though I am very happy, nervous, but happy. I am so extremely thankful for what I have, and the power I have to make things better.