Dear snake, please don't make me piss myself.

Last night, I was deciding what to make for dinner, I was debating between meatloaf, mac 'n cheese, a veggie, and fresh baked bread or my infamous chicken alfredo pasta, zucchini, and garlic bread. At the last minute I told dinner to screw off because we're going to the movies instead. When Joe got home, Joe, Jeremy, and I went to go see the new Harry Potter. Have you ever heard the story "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"? Well I have my own version. If you give Jaz a movie ticket, she'll ask for popcorn to go with it. If you give her popcorn, she'll of course need a drink too. Oh how I love movie theater popcorn, in all of it's salty, buttery, goodness. Well I am one of those people that have to have a drink while eating. I honestly wonder how you people that don't drink while eating do it. I just get really thirsty. Because I love thy movie theater popcorn, I started eating it the 30 minutes (yes, I said thirty minutes. Joe insists on being crazy early to everything) we waited for the movie to start. So I ate popcorn and downed my drink. All the sudden the movie starts, and I need to pee, go figure. So I decided its in my best interest to hold it, mostly because Joe may or may not get really irritated if I came back and make him tell me in detail what happened. About 30 minutes into the movie I decided that was a really bad idea. I am one of those people who get really into movies, my therapist says it's because movies are like hypnotherapy. Needless to say while watching movies I get way jumpy. I won't ruin the movie for any of you who haven't seen it, don't worrry. Let's just say there was a few parts in the movie where I was saying to myself/to the snake on the movie who can of course hear my thoughts, "Please mister snake...don't make me piss myself!". I barely made it out of the theater, luckily the bathrooms were really close. While in the creepy bathrooms (which are really fancy if I must say so) the stall door next to me kept swinging open and closed. I looked carefully under the stalls in my best super spy style, sure shit there is no feet to either side of me. Being the paranoid person I am, I have a very detailed plan of what my crazy self would do in this situation. Note I am still peeing at this point. I slyly (is that even a word? Oh well, it is now) look up and to much relief see no one staring down at me, I look around and notice there is no vents. I start thinking about how the hell that door is moving by itself. "Ok Jaz, you're going to finish peeing. Then you will flush and while the toilet flushes reach in your purse, grab your awesome pink pepper spray, unlock it and have it ready for use. After you have it in your hand, walk out in front of the mirrors so you can make sure no one is behind you. As you approach the door put your hand with the pepper spray pack in your purse. While opening the door act like you're just putting away lip gloss so Joe doesn't realize how weird you are. Ok ready...and go!" I think to myself. I safely make it out the bathroom and we leave without the pepper spray being used. Another note: This all happened within 3 minutes, it just seemed like forever. P.S. Ladies, I bought my awesome pink pepper spray for $10 at a hunting store, I think it was Sportsmans Warehouse. I highly recommend every person, especially women carry some around just in case.

Call me crazy but I seriously have a plan for almost any given situation. These plans aren't just run away kind of plans, these are extremely detailed plans. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in the ghetto. Call me crazy all you want but when you see on the news "5'5, 120lb woman attacks house full of burglars while safely escorting family out of danger. She is now getting a street named after her (ok I wish)." on the news (and yes, it will be international news, because I am that awesome) you will know one of my crazy plans was not only useful, but it worked.

Thanks for reading!