Big Girl Panties

I've had the rug pulled out from under me a lot the past 2 weeks and I've fallen pretty hard from it. I've come to realize I just need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I know where I am going and what I want and I'm going to everything in my damn power to make it happen, and not one single person is going to stop me. I know I am strong and I will keep going. I seriously had a few moments in the last while where I had to let myself cry, scream, bitch, yell, and all that other fun stuff, then I had to get up, brush myself off, realize where my priorities/goals are and get back on the path to achieving them. It's been hard and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like giving up. I've lost way too much in life to just let a few surprises break me.

So I had a situation a few weeks ago that totally caught me off guard. I've heard of other people having this happen but it never had happened to me the way it just had. Someone said something to me that was so excruciatingly painful. They didn't mean it in a bad way but it was one of those comments that was so extremely ignorant. I seriously thought to myself "Next time I'd rather you just stab me with a chef's knife. That would be A LOT more comfortable!". But unfortunately it was one of those situations where I just had to keep a smile on face and let out a stupid giggle like I thought it was funny. This situation kinda brought up feelings that I had buried deep inside of myself. I realized it was an area of my life that I had to give a time-out to because I genuinely couldn't deal with it. Still to this day I'm not sure if I'm ready to revive these feelings and the situation but I'm at least willing to put some thoughts into it.

Well lovelies, thanks so much for reading! I hope you all had a great Halloween!
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Changes

Have you ever been going along with life, allowing it to take you where it wants, embracing the waves, and accepting every challenge it gives you, when all of the sudden you stop and realize your life has made a complete 180? I never thought I'd be where I am today. It's so strange to me, the way it has just come so naturally. It baffles me that with all this change and growth in my life and in me, I have not once felt out of control. That's always been a problem with me (or a strength depending on how you look at it), I've always needed control and without it I usually panic. But at this point in my life I feel this over whelming calm. I truly am content and happy. With my birthday approaching (October 27th) it has dawned on me that even with all the bull shit that has been thrown my way and with all the health problems I was told I'd never survive, here I am yet another year older and stronger than ever. All the people that said I couldn't make it can suck it. I'm so thankful for everyone who has helped me and stood by my side through out the years. I've been thinking a lot about the help I've received through out my life and I've decided that it's time to return the favor. I am going to do some volunteering and donating, as much as I possibly can. I already do quite a bit of donating but I don't feel like it's enough. I want to touch as many lives as I can, because so many people have touched mine. It's good karma, you know?

Thanks for reading lovelies! xoxoxo

Inspired.

Life has been hectic as hell, but I wouldn't change it for anything. There's so much going on right now. Some times I get caught up in it all, my minds starts going a million miles an hour, I start panicking, and just when I feel like saying "fuck it" and giving up, I remember to breathe. I'm in love with life, I always have been and always will be. Some times I lose my ways but then I remember to breathe and soak up life. When I start feeling life's pressures too much I go sit outside. I look at the mountains, feel the sunshine, absorb the sounds of life and it centers me right back to where I need to be. I have felt so lucky lately. Life is really turning around and it just keeps getting better. Once again lovelies thanks for reading! You guys freaking rock!

Lookin' on up :)

Things are really looking up for me, like every aspect of my life is so much better. The other day I was pondering why things had all the sudden changed from bad to good. What I realized is the only thing that changed is myself. I put in the time and effort to work through some stuff I needed to and now my outlook on life is so much better. I think that change in myself caused me to work harder to achieve my goals and dreams. For the first time in quite awhile I can say that I am truly happy and satisfied with my life and the path its headed down. I'm excited to move on in life with my career, my education, my relationship, my friendships, and my future. I have made some really awesome friends recently and I am very thankful for that. I am looking forward to doing all the things I have wanted to and I look forward to what comes next. I don't really want to be one of those annoying preaching people but I really believe that in order to be happy with your life you need to work on yourself. I did and still am and it has helped a million times over. Don't rely on other people to make you happy, and don't wait for some magical fix. In order to be happy with life you need to be happy with yourself.

Well lovelies I will update you again with hopefully good news. As always thanks for reading and being there for me. I really appreciate all of you and I am proud to announce that my blog is being read in 10 countries on a regular basis. That is amazing to me and I can't believe how far this little blog of mine has made it. I am going to try to start posting more often again.

Quick Shoutout

I just wanted to thank all my readers for reading and referring my blog.

Here's a list of sites/blogs that have referred me. Thanks everyone I really appreciate it :)

Removing Road Blocks
Molly Campbell
iheartfaces
Life Rearranged
The Happrnings In My Life

Thanks again everyone!

Happiness :)

I feel it in my blood, in my body, in my soul. It's this passion that just fuels me, and keeps me who I am. I call it my Jaz-ness. It's the part of me that is fun loving, energetic, happy, and always having a fabulous time. I have missed that part of me and I am more than happy to have it back. I love the fact that the way I am so happy and upbeat fuels others around me. For awhile I wondered if I was ever going to get my Jaz-ness back and here I am probably the happiest person alive just because I can be. I was so touched the other day when I was told that people look forward to seeing me because I am always fun and make everyone laugh. That means a lot to me. I am not saying I am trying to impress by any means, but I am glad to be the one that lifts others moods. I might be totally ditsy, easily distracted, and easily confused, or whatever else you want to call me but what matters is I have fun with life, even if that requires me to laugh at myself multiple times a day. I love being me and all being me entails, the up's and the down's. I know that everything I am going through is worth it and even if it isn't now, it will be. I don't regret anything in life because even the bad shit I have been through means the world to me. I am finally to the point in my life where I have learned to appreciate everything that has and will happen to me. Without all the bullshit that has happened in my life I wouldn't be who I am or have who I have. My friends (who are more like family) mean the world to me and I am the luckiest person on earth to have them around me. I am so extremely happy with my life. I have the best co-workers, friends, family, and life. Seriously, my life is amazing, might not be perfect but it's still pretty f'ing fabulous. And I can't forget you guys, my readers lovelies, you guys have been here with me through a lot and hopefully you will all continue to be here for me. :)

The dancing lady.

When I was 12 I lived in these apartments in the ghetto of east side Utah. Well one night I was sitting outside (big surprise I know) and this ladies came leaping and dancing up to me. She was clearly high. She told me to get up and dance with her. She said all she wanted in life was to be happy, free, and to dance when she wants to. Unfortunately for her I wasn't high for once. I got weirded out told her no and said have fun and went inside. About 30 minutes later the I went back outside, as I laid there peacefully relaxing, sirens filled the air. Next thing I know there's cops, paramedics and firemen everywhere. They all scurried up to the dancer's apartment. I was thinking someone called the cops cuz the drugs she had. Next thing I know I see the paramedics with.a stretcher complete with a body bag leave the apartment. I being a drug addict (at the time) knew what had happened. She got too high and decided to get just a little higher. That never ends well.

Tonight I was just sitting on my porch (we are all shocked don't worry), I had music playing on my phone and for some reason started thinking about the dancer lady. I started to realize that she died completely happy. She might not have been happy sober or deep down inside but I was the last person to see her alive and I can honestly say she was happy. She was so free and in love with the moment so what better to do than dance? I can honestly say I am as happy as she was now, lucky for me it has nothing to do with ecstasy or any other drug. Next time I dance I am going to be dancing for the happiest dancing woman I have ever met.